Being Woman – Part 7: Emptiness

There are days when I feel like something is broken inside me, like I lack some kind of important organ, or cell, or one spiral of nerve in my head. It is like putting a huge puzzle of 3,000 pieces and at the end realizing that one piece is missing. You have been collecting it for months and it’s finally done, except there is one piece that you can’t find anywhere. The hole in the picture is getting deeper and deeper and one day you wake up feeling completely empty. Sometimes I feel like everywhere I go I spread pain and emptiness like some kind of disease. Sometimes I feel like locking myself from the outside world in order to protect all the happy, positive, and optimistic people. What if my kids inherited the feeling of emptiness?

I wish I could have a button to turn off my soul pain or a screw that would fix me. Honestly, there’s not much I can actually do… I just decided to give people a choice to decide if they wanted to be with me or not. Surprisingly some people can actually stand me for quite long periods of time and relate to my emptiness. Maybe I don’t need to be fixed, maybe I’m perfect as I am? Maybe the puzzle consists of 2999 pieces, and everything is where it has to be. Maybe the problem is that I’m too demanding, always seeking for something extra: stronger love, bigger happiness, deeper emotions, connections, and relationships. Does it mean I will always stay unhappy because nothing is good enough or perfect enough? I can sort of relate to the destructive behavior and destructive patterns in my life.

I’m like an open book. I’m not an easy book, sometimes I’m sad, angry, or a worried book, but I’m always honest. My writing just proves it. Maybe, I should try keeping more things to myself. Everyone knows everything about me. I should keep more for myself. Maybe that’s the answer for my emptiness. I splash out, I share too much, I give too much, I care too much, and at the end there’s nothing left for me…